Blog
Perspectives and Frames
Changing perspective and reframing experience are two important tools for living a happy and fulfilling life, understanding internal conflicts, navigating the world, and ultimately, making better decisions and solving problems more effectively.
Perspective is about the way we look at situations, whereas reframing is about how we define them. They are related, but different strategies.
Sex-Positivity For Trauma Survivors
Trauma survivors can embrace sex-positivity as much as anyone else. Sex-positivity doesn’t mean you’re up for any kind of sex, any time. Sex positivity is simply the belief that sex is a healthy and natural part of life and that people should be free to explore their sexuality without shame or judgment. It’s a journey, not a destination, and it takes time and patience. Accepting and talking about your blocks around sex — and doing the same for others — is just as much a part of sex-positivity as acting out wild fantasies.
The Roots of Self-Esteem
There’s a misconception that low self-esteem comes from not being successful enough. In my therapy practice, I constantly see people who are brilliant, interesting, and competent, and yet struggle with poor self-worth.
Survivor’s Guilt
A few weeks ago, I was horrified to find myself online, in the middle of booking a plane ticket to Iran. I know part of me really wants to be with my sisters and brothers at the moment when they’re on the cusp of ending forty years of tyranny and oppression. But another part of me was terrified to realize what a suicide mission I was planning.
Consent Is Play
Consent IS sexy, because it creates connection and intimacy. Unfortunately, we are often taught to think of consent as a set of rules and regulations we must follow if we don’t want to get in trouble, but that’s a terrible way to teach and think about it. The truth is that asking for and giving consent creates an opportunity for both people to speak their needs and preferences, and to feel seen.
East Meets West
Spending time in Istanbul this summer has helped me redefine my relationship with my family on my own terms. When I was a child in Iran, the idea of a relationship on my own terms meant absolutely nothing. Relationships were set in stone: people expected me to act and communicate in fixed ways. My only choices were to stay or go, to submit or rebel. So I rebelled, which was necessary, but also exhausting.
Let’s Talk About Seduction
Seductiveness is a perception that exists in the perceiver. One person might be turned on by a bikini, another by someone in a headscarf, another by a bare foot. What arouses us is based on our own private history, our own personal set of associations. How then could we possibly blame someone else for our desires?
The Difference Between Isolation and Solitude
As humans, we need both connection and solitude. Even if we’re introverts, we still need intimacy, touch, and social contact. Even if we’re extroverts, we still need to be alone sometimes. Many people are scared of solitude because they confuse it with isolation. So what’s the difference?
Gaslighting Ourselves
People talk a lot about gaslighting, i.e., manipulating others by questioning their sanity. It’s a terrible tactic that many people use to get what they want. But just as important are the ways we gaslight ourselves.
Persian Rugs: A Birthday Blog
Like a rug maker, I’ve known both pain and beauty in weaving together the different pieces of my life. Childhood trauma dispersed my memories, making it hard for me to be sure of what had happened. So my first task was to learn how to tell my own story, through writing and speaking, and in doing so, to tie together these tatters of memory.
Letter to My Solitude
Dear Solitude, I used to be so terrified of you. If I wasn’t constantly busy or taking care of someone else, you’d come around to remind me where I come from. If I slowed down at all, you’d show me how lonely I was. I couldn’t understand or feel the joy of being with you.
Your Mind Isn’t Broken
Good mental-health support involves, first, addressing any shame that keeps people from being able to look honestly at what’s been locked away. Then, it involves making time and space for people to feel safe enough to investigate their inner compartments. Finally, it involves being patient with people’s processes, which can take years.
The Mind Is Like a Desk With Many Drawers
The mind has many compartments for storing memories and wishes — just as a desk has many drawers for storing papers and files. Some of the mind’s compartments are locked and some are wide open. Some are stuck and open only with difficulty.
Letter To My Inner Child
I see you and love you to the moon. I have no illusions that I ever would have made it through life without you. You are such a brave little one. I’m here because you survived childhood. Without your ability to get us through, I could never know the beautiful life I have today.
Letter To My Past
I hear you knocking on my door, asking me to let you in. I will, as long as you know that you don’t define me. You are an important part of me, but not all of me.
The Power of Hypnotherapy!
Hypnotherapy works for a very simple reason: all emotional healing comes from vulnerability — from being honest about our needs and feelings. People go to great lengths to avoid this truth and will focus instead on quick fixes.
Money Is a Relationship
Have you ever thought about money as something you have a relationship with? Some people have an anxious relationship with money. For them, money is like a lover who is always about to leave, or else probably won’t be there for them when they really need it. Other people have an avoidant relationship with money. They think, “Money is just for rich people. It has nothing to do with me.”
A Doctor’s Note
When I was a teenager, my mother and stepfather became obsessed with my virginity. I was sexually abused as a child, so I hadn’t been a virgin for a long time, but no one wanted to talk about that. They wanted to talk instead about the boys they insisted I flirted with — most of all, Reza — all of whom I’d done absolutely nothing with. But my parents’ suspicions only increased.
Meha
I didn’t expect that meeting Meha was going to keep me up at night, but it did. In my dreams, those days, I was always on a boat in the middle of a dark ocean, when a bigger boat, full of male guards, stopped mine to arrest me and take me back to my family, who had paid for my abduction. I woke up screaming in my bed, night after night. It wasn’t Meha’s fault, of course…
The Hustler
I’m really good at ping pong. Or at least, I used to be. Lately, a lot of people have been beating me, again and again. I take it as a sign of my progress. Let me explain. When you are a homeless, undocumented immigrant, you need to be resourceful. Never knowing where your next meal will come from heightens your sense of survival.
