The Difference Between Isolation and Solitude
As humans, we need both connection and solitude. Even if we’re introverts, we still need intimacy, touch, and social contact. Even if we’re extroverts, we still need to be alone sometimes. Many people are scared of solitude because they confuse it with isolation. So what’s the difference?
Isolation is being deprived of connection and is often perceived by our brains as punishment. Sometimes isolation is a product of our circumstances. Sometimes we’re the ones isolating ourselves. But as we’ve seen during the pandemic, isolation generally has a negative impact on our mental health, because it is the lack of our core need for connection.
Solitude on the other hand, is a choice: to create space for self-discovery, to cleanse our minds, and to strengthen our hearts. Solitude, ultimately, is self-care.
I used to be scared of being alone, because it didn’t feel like a choice. As a teenager in Iran, I moved to a small town where I didn’t have any friends. I spent so many hours alone in my room, reading my mother’s romance novels, but mostly just dreaming of the day when I could escape my country. Then, being alone felt like being condemned to sit in my painful thoughts and feelings.
When I came to America, I started to make meaningful friendships. At first, I thought that meant that I would never be alone again. But as I started to connect to others more deeply, I noticed something interesting: I became curious about what it would be like to choose to explore time by myself. I started to take long solitary walks, visit museums on my own, and indulge in candle-lit baths. I noticed that the internal message behind these actions was: “I’m actually great company.”
The mark of healthy solitude is that it co-exists with strong outer relationships with friends, colleagues, family and partners. When we feel seen by others, we don’t feel scared of seeing ourselves. And when we see ourselves, we don’t feel scared of being seen by others. Solitude isn’t the opposite of connection: it’s just connection directed within.