Let’s Talk About Seduction

Let’s talk about seduction.

I often hear from my female clients and friends that they have a fear of appearing “too seductive.” I always ask why they feel that way, because I want to hear their individual perspectives. But the answer is unfortunately always the same: they’re scared of being hurt, whether through physical violence or other people’s judgments.

And yet, isn’t seductiveness a perception that exists in the perceiver? One person might be turned on by a bikini, another by someone in a headscarf, another by a bare foot. What arouses us is based on our own private history, our own personal set of associations. How then could we possibly blame someone else for our desires?

When I was a girl growing up in Iran, I was taught in school that it was up to me to make sure men don’t sin. That simultaneously meant not showing any skin and also being sexually available to my future husband. Even then, my friends and I knew this was bullshit. We knew that, even covered head to toe, we’d still get blamed for male lust. We knew that what was sold to us as modesty was just the failure of men to take responsibility for their feelings.

But it wasn't much better when I came to America. In America, I learned it’s cool to be sexy all the time, but I was also told that, if something bad happens to you, it’s your fault. The “freedom” wasn’t really free: it was more like a risky strategy that could backfire on you at a moment’s notice.

Everyone has a sexuality. Apart from our conditioning, sexuality is simply self-expression. It’s wanting to be loved in our particular bodies, not as an idea or an object. Once we get away from thinking that anyone ever “makes” anyone feel anything, we can start to see each other as actual people and embrace sexuality as something good.

Men are the perpetrators of sexual violence more than women, but people of all genders need to learn to separate sexuality from their expectations of others. Instead of telling your partner how to be or what to do, be curious about your own fantasies, fears, and desires. Observe these with compassion and empathy.

There’s nothing wrong with anything you find in your sexuality, as long as you don’t make someone else responsible for it.