Consent Is Play
Last week, in one of my favorite cafes in Istanbul, there were little stickers all over the wall explaining what consent is, in both English and Turkish. I’m not sure what the correct Turkish word is, but a lot of people there use the English word anyway. I overheard two women speaking. “Consent is sexy,” one said. “When my partner asks me what I do and don’t want, I feel special.” I smiled in agreement. They realized I was eavesdropping. But we all giggled.
Consent is sexy, because it creates connection and intimacy. Unfortunately, we are often taught to think of consent as a set of rules and regulations we must follow if we don’t want to get in trouble, but that’s a terrible way to teach and think about it. The truth is that asking for and giving consent creates an opportunity for both people to speak their needs and preferences, and to feel seen.
It helps to think of consent first in a non-sexual context. If I take a friend to a restaurant in a foreign country whose menu I know, I might ask if I can order for them. If they say yes, it’s an opportunity to share with them what I love. If they say no, it’s an opportunity to learn more about what they love. It’s only if I order for them without asking permission that we run the risk of conflict.
When it comes to sex, people often think that asking for consent makes things awkward. But that’s only true if you think sex is a test of knowing the other person’s needs ahead of time, or if you’re ashamed of your own desires. When most people take the time to practice consent, they find it exciting. Rather than being a process of obeying someone else’s code of conduct, consent makes us co-creators in a relationship that is alive, evolving, and deepening.
If you want to develop a more positive and joyful relationship to consent, try practicing it outside of romantic relationships. Start with your friends. Ask questions, make agreements, and try on different boundaries. Don’t rest on doing things the way you’ve always done them or settling for how you think interactions are “supposed” to go. Play!