Gaslighting Ourselves
People talk a lot about gaslighting, i.e., manipulating others by questioning their sanity. It’s a terrible tactic that many people use to get what they want.
If you’re in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you, it’s important to recognize the signs: the other person (a) invalidates your reactions, (b) dismisses your feelings, or (c) denies the truth of your experience.
But just as important are the ways we gaslight ourselves. For example, every time you hang out with a family member, you feel sick to your stomach, but rather than honoring or exploring that feeling, you blame the nausea on what you ate or on not being healthy.
Or, you deny your accomplishments and focus instead on the abstract sense of “not being enough.” For years, I refused to call myself a writer, because I had dyslexia, even though I had written two memoirs. I undermined the truth of my own experience.
Why would we gaslight ourselves? Some of it is not doing enough self validation. We spend too much time waiting on external validation and not enough learning this inner skill.
But on a deeper level, we gaslight ourselves because we are identifying with our abusers or those who doubted us. We’re still trying to forge a connection with those people, hoping in some way to get love from them, and in the process, we end up taking on their voices.
Having some self-doubt, self-criticism, and humility is very healthy. We need to examine our limitations in order to grow. But there’s a difference between questioning our actions and questioning our ability to know what’s real.
Most of the time, our thoughts of “not being enough” are based on denying whole sections of our experience. When we get into these loops, we should ask ourselves, “Whose voice is this?” “Would I speak this way to someone I love?”
When we stop gaslighting ourselves, it’s hard for external gaslighters to gain entry into our lives. So put the focus back on you. Do you validate your own feelings and needs? Do you honor the truth of your experience?
When the answer is yes to both, the rest of your life will fall into place.