Sex-Positivity For Trauma Survivors

Many survivors of sexual trauma tell me that they often disassociate during sex. They don’t actually connect to the pleasure and sometimes even feel that they are outside their bodies rather than in them. Many survivors feel they have to endure sexual dissociation in order to check a box, please a partner, or “get over” the past.

I always tell them, “It’s good that you’re noticing your dissociation! Noticing is the first step in healing.”

When sex is imposed on children or non-consenting adults, this violence can cause people to create compartments in their minds in order to find a place to hide from the pain. These compartments often remain long after the trauma has occurred.

Some people might lose their desire for sex completely, and feel a lot of shame as a result. Others might want sex all the time, unconsciously trying to heal a painful experience by repeatedly putting themselves back in it, hoping to get their power back. These repetitions can get them deeper into a place of feeling like a victim, as they often choose the same kinds of partners.

Some trauma survivors experience what is called “depersonalization” during sex. This is when they have the awareness that they are having sex, but it’s accompanied by a sense of detachment and a sense that what is happening isn’t really real. Some people who depersonalize during sex might have little awareness that they are doing so.

Depersonalization is one type of dissociation, but there are others. Some trauma survivors might have total amnesia around a sexual experience, even with someone they love. Others might only remember bits and pieces. Some survivors might keep their partial or complete amnesia to themselves, not wanting to seem crazy or offend their partners.

If any of this feels familiar to you, it’s vital to start communicating about it. If you’re in a safe relationship, it’s important to tell your partner about your detachment or dissociation and ask them to help you notice these signals too. Involving your partner can help make this a “we” experience rather than a lonely one. If you’re not in a safe relationship, talk to a friend you trust. Therapy is ideal in either case.

So how do you start bringing presence back to intimacy?

Start small.

Educate yourself: there are many books, websites, and sex education classes.

With sexual partners, prioritize foreplay that uses all of your senses. Foreplay can be completely clothed, by the way. Gentle non-sexual touch, eye contact, and even just talking about your day all create intimacy. Then, start to communicate more about what you like and what scares you. With the right sexual partners, talking will create more closeness.

Explore your own curiosity and that of your partners. It’s important to be able to talk about sexual fantasies, even if you don’t want to act on them. Respect and validate your own boundaries and those of others! Communicating a fantasy is not giving permission to act on it.

Sex positivity is not about actions. It’s about the way we think about sex — for example, accepting that sex is for pleasure and not just for procreation. Being sex positive is not about style or frequency either. It’s about how present we are and how much we allow pleasure to be part of our experience, whether this happens once a day, once a month, or once a year.

Trauma survivors can embrace sex positivity as much as anyone else! Sex-positivity doesn’t mean you’re up for any kind of sex, any time. Sex positivity is simply the belief that sex is a healthy and natural part of life and that people should be free to explore their sexuality without shame or judgment. It’s a journey, not a destination, and it takes time and patience. Accepting and talking about your blocks around sex — and doing the same for others — is just as much a part of sex positivity as acting out wild fantasies. 

Challenge negative stereotypes about sex that you have picked up from family, religion, and culture. For trauma survivors, who often unconsciously blame themselves for what happened, these outside influences can “piggyback” on personal history to lead to a crippling amount of shame and judgment around sex. Surrounding yourself with sex-positive people can make healing much easier.

You have a right to your sexuality. There’s no right or wrong way to have sex, as long as it’s consensual and enjoyable for everyone involved. Stay true to what you feel and don’t compare yourself to others. That’s how you will find more intimacy and fulfilling life.